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mellow

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Tracie called me at work today and said a cat had been abandoned at her store last night.  "She's sooo cute and sweet!"... see where this is going?  Of course, she wanted to bring this new kitty home.  Apparently a coworker of hers knew the cat because it had belonged to a lady in her neighborhood, who had previously asked said coworker if she wanted the cat because the lady was moving away.  Looks like she just decided to abandon the cat.  I said I didnt care, she said "Ok well I'm bringing her home" lol.  And she did.  She is very pretty and very affectionate, she's just bitching and moaning a lot right now lol.

We dropped her off at home, got her all set up in a cage Taffy (Tracie's coworker) let us borrow, and went to the bank to get our tip jar converted to larger bills.  Came to $425.  Nice.  All for us to spend this next week on our vacation. :)  We're going to try to spend as little as possible though, then we are going to split whats left over and put it in the bank.

After the bank we went to Kmart and got some cute undies and I got some super cute shirts!!  I'm so excited!  But we had to cut it short cuz Tracie was SO HUNGRY.

So we grabbed Taco Bell on the way home.  So yummy.

We ate and then took the dog on a walk, I lost Tracie's wallet out of my pocket... we found it lol.  And we stopped at QT and got some ice cream. ^.^

Good day, good day.  One more and its VACATION TIME!! WOOTWOOT!!

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bored

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I spoke with Bob yesterday and it didnt go well.  He pretty much said what my other managers said - that we can't keep having these injuries and he didnt want to put a time frame on this blah blah blah.  He's good at the blah blah blah.  He did make me feel a little better about it though.  Said it mattered more that I showed improvement than whether I had an injury again.  But I dont really believe that.  *shrug*  Nothing I can do about it.  My nerves are still pretty bad but its getting better. 

The power went out at work today and it was a lot of fun, let me tell you.  Computers were down, registers and phones.  So much fun lol.  We had to use the run cards to see what each dog got that was being picked up, find the upc coorelated to the service and write it down on scrap paper for the people to give the register lol.  And we had to call on dogs with our cell phones.  And only some of our tables had power so grooming was stopped for a bit.  Luckily I was mostly done for the day lol.

Tracie had to go back to work after she picked me up because a cashier walked out yesterday and she has to cover his shift tonight.  :(  So I pulled out some stir fry stuff so I can make her dinner for it to be ready when she finally gets home. ^.^  I told her she couldnt work past 8 though, cuz So You Think You Can Dance will be on lol.

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stressed

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I hate this whole situation.  Everything would be great... if it werent for the shit with my job.

I tried to call Bob.  He's higher than Gabi or Joe, and could maybe either give me a more definate time span for this "probation" or eliminate the job threat all together.  It took me a good couple hours of getting busy work done for me to gather the courage to finally call him.

And I had to leave a message.

I tried to call again, same.

Maybe he's on vacation to.  I'll be so pissed if thats the case.

At least I'm on vacation next week, so I just need to get through this week until I can relax a bit...

It has been exactly one year since I last cut,
and since I tried to kill myself.

I'm so much happier now. :)

The bowling alley was closed, those fuckers!  So we went to Sahara instead.  :)  We had a little dinner and Tracie bought me some baklava!  MMMM.  They smoked some hookah and we chilled for a while.  After that we went to Spanky's, since thats apparently where so many of our girls nights end up... the porn shop.  We looked at the fun toys, Tracie rented a DVD after talking to one of the really nice dudes there.  She also got an application.  They said they would keep teh app for a long time so you never know when she'd get a call.  Apparently she's always wanted to be a sex therapist.  When she found out she couldnt go off to fancy college and become a marine biologist, that is.  Anyway we had a fun night.

Tracie is making quisadillas now cuz I'm cranky from work lol.

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pissed off

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I want to scream.  I want  to purge my guts out.  But god do I want to cut my arms open and watch myself bleed to death.  I am so tired of this SHIT.  Tracie comes home tired and cranky EVERY DAMN DAY.  We've talked about it and she still does.  And the time I really NEED her to be her usual cheerful self, to keep me from going insane because I'm so depressed/frustrated/hopeless about my job right now, she can't even do it.  She can't fucking come home one god damn day and be happy with me.  I went to my moms and cried to her about my job situation and she gave me some advice that I chose to take and I was in a GOOD mood, damnit!  I go and pick up Tracie and she's crabby.  I tell her to please not be, but she proceeds anyway.  I am so FUCKING TIRED of it.  Its BULLSHIT.  I gave her an out - I told her she could quit her job thats making her so tired and achey all the time.  She cheered up a bit at first but now its back to this.  I dont need her to help me that often, I'm more often helping her cheer up but GODDAMN.  ONE FUCKING TIME I'd like her to comfort me again.  To be how she used to be.  To stop being so GODDAMN CRANKY and BE THERE FOR ME LIKE SHE USED TO BE.  I'll be impressed with myself if I make it through the night without a fresh cut on my arm.  Two days before I've gone a whole year without cutting, even.

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unstable?

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I'm teetering between numb and... I dont know, bothered? But I'm not sure if "bothered" encompasses the meaning of what I'm feeling right now... I dont know.  "Upset" I guess is better...

More on everything we did today later, but I just have to vent right now because we are trying to go to sleep and I can't.  I keep getting waves of numbness, and then waves of tears.  And I can't stop thinking.  Thoughts going in circles and then leading to new, more upsetting topics.

Tracie was drinking tonight.  More than I've ever seen her I think.  I don't know, maybe she wasnt drinking that much and I just felt like it was a lot... but she had quite a few bombs... I don't know anything about that, so... but for her, at least as long as I've known her, that is a lot.  It was ok at first.  Not so bad, I've seen her drink before.  It's ok.  I'll ignore the fact that every other time we've gone out she asks before hand if I mind if she drinks because she knows it bothers me, and tonight she didn't do that... but whatever, let's forget that.  Ok a few more, getting a bit much but she's having fun... more drinks, more drinks.  They had specials and most everyone else we went with was getting more, so she did too.  She went to an atm and got cash before hand because I told her I wasn't paying for that crap.  That should have tipped her off... she's not a mind reader.  The more she drank of course, the more it bothered me.  She wasnt even getting all that crazy, she's not really even that bad when she's drunk.  She's herself, just more energetic, more touchy, more talkative... if thats possible.  I went to the bathroom and texted my mom about sick I am of my own shit.  I want to be able to enjoy myself when I go out.  I don't have to drink, thats fine.  But why can I not have any fun when I'm around other people who drink?  Nevermind... I mean Tracie.  Or really anyone I'm close to.  I didn't really care that Carrie or Sam or Becky were getting smashed.  I don't have to go home with them.  Anyway I'm tired of it bothering me so much.  I'm tired of wanting to throw up at the smell of alcohol on someone's breath...  I'm tired of being so sensitive to it that it doesnt matter if she brushed her teeth a million times and used mouth wash two million times, I can still smell it... and hate it...  I just have such an aversion to it I can't stand it.  And I feel bad because other people like it (and don't neccessarily take it to the extreme) and Tracie likes it, so I don't see why the world has to give up alcohol because I hate it.  They don't.  The world doesn't fucking revolve around me.  I need therapy for this shit or something because I cannot shake my experiences with my dad and alcohol.  I can't get over it.  I've gotten over so much else but that I just haven't, won't or can't.  I don't know.  I hated the way I felt tonight.  Watching Tracie get drunk... I've never been less attracted to her.  I've never had such an aversion to her come over me like that.  (I know it's not her, its the drunk her, I still absolutely love the real her... but still...)  I never wanted her to shut up before.  I never wanted to be as far away from her as possible before.  I didn't want to hold her hand while I drove, I didn't want her to keep talking after we left dinner, I haven't wanted her to touch me since we got home.  And we can't even talk about it right now because she's drunk.  And that's the whole point, so it would be tedious.  Not to mention I just don't want anything to do with her tonight.  I've never felt like that.  It scares me.  And all this is going around in my head, sprinkled with memories of my dad, and I can't sleep.  I came out here so I could maybe get this all out and go to sleep but I still don't know if I can.  It would be so much easier if the person who always makes it better wasn't the person I want to be away from right now.  OMG I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!! Because its not even really her I'm upset with.  I love her more than anything.  I have never been this happy ever.  I never really thought a happily ever after could be possible for me until I met her.  But goddamn... I just don't know what to do.  My mom said she'd talk about it with me later... but I don't know.  My mom is a good person, she just... isn't the best source of advice usually.  Practical matters yes, but outside that she's a little misguided herself.  I dont know how she can help me with this.  I've always been this way.  It seems to get worse as I get older though.  Maybe just because I've come to that age where most of my friends are legal, so everyone wants to go out drinking.  I can't blame them.  I feel like I would be so much less... trapped?... if I could get over this.  But on the other hand I don't know. 

I want to write more because I don't really feel completely unloaded... but I think I've said everything I can.  Tracie drank, it brought up some shit for me, I'm upset, don't have anyone to talk to, can't sleep, the end.

I forgot last week!

In the Memory, Chapter TEN

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stressed

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I'm terrified that I'm seeing a preview to the end of things.

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worried

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Tracie told me something last night that made me want to cry.  She said she has tried to make herself throw up before.  She tried her fingers, didnt work.  Toothbrush, just couldnt do it.  Then she said the last time she had tried... was actually like a week ago.  She said she felt sexier when she had lost some weight and said my sex drive was higher so she thought I wanted her to lose more weight.  Or she thought I would like it at least.  I told her NO, I would NEVER want it like that.  I told her yeah it starts like "Oh I'll just do this for a while until i lose the wieght and then stop" but it NEVER stops.  Eventually it becomes habit, then addiction.  You cant starve enough, you cant purge enough, you cant lose enough weight.  Its NEVER enough.  I told her I dont want her to go through that.  I LOVE how she looks.  I love her no matter what, and my sex drive probably went up when she lost some weight because I lost some too and I had more energy.

So now I'm just so worried about her.  She takes so much stress on herself and I didnt know she was that stressed.  I didnt know she was hiding anything from me.  That worries me.  I still trust her.  Its not like I look at her now and wonder what she's hiding or anything... but I do worry.  I just dont want her to do that to herself.  I know that road and I DONT want her going down there.  I love her too much to let her go through that hell.

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sick

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For some reason my sunburn seriously hurt today.  Like, I was crying.  And we went over to Tracie's parents house for a bit for fathers day and then I felt worse cuz it was more time in the sun.  And we skipped training class cuz I felt so bad and Tracie had to help me take my shirt off cuz I could barely move. :(  I'm still pretty damn red two days later.

And I bought Gravitation on Amazon.  We only got to see the first three episodes then noticed one of the disks wasnt available on Netflix.  I really liked what I saw though, so yeah. :)

I got sunburned. :(  I hurt.
But Tracie is taking good care of me. :) She called me her little German cherry lol.

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mourning

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My laptop is apparently doomed.  It blue-screen crashes every time I try to sign in to WoW now (not just sign in, I can get to my character menu, but when I actually try to enter any realm, it goes down) and now it wont let me run the disk defragmenter.  I've found a few tech help things online, but none help.  Either some step doesnt work or it wont let me do it or I need the HP disk, which I no longer have and it doesnt matter if I did because my disk drive is busted.  And StopZilla keeps detecting random viruses on and off (at least once a day for the past three days or so) and it keeps removing them.  I've also run a couple other things (Malwarebytes and SUPERAntiSpyware) and I appear to be ok, but still some things arent working properly anymore.  So I can still use my lappy for some things - writing and fiddling on the interwebz, but no WoW apparently.  I guess I'll suspend my account until I get a new laptop.  Which cant be any time soon because I'm saving for a car first.  This makes me sad, she's been a good ol' laptop and has been through so much lol.  I guess its time to really accept it might be time to move on soon...