| Long Day |
[May. 16th, 2005|08:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  numb | ] |
my whole mindset has completely changed. I used to say size doesnt matter, looks arent important, no one deserves to die, pain isnt a good thing... not anymore. I am hugely ugly. I am too fat. I do not deserve to eat. So today, I didnt... for the most part. What I did eat I had to fight to keep down because I felt so bad for eating it I just wanted to throw up.
I have been doing some research and I think I might have Binge Eating Disorder. Basically its the opposite of anorexia - you eat and eat and eat, as if you cannot stop. Sometimes you just can't. You binge like a bulimic, but you don't purge. So basically its the fat people disorder. Stuff your face until you are uncomfortably full and then feel bad about it afterwards. Thats me in a nutshell. So you know what my mind thinks? "If I am going to have an eating disorder, Anorexia would be healthier then Binge Eating... wouldnt it?" God my head is so fucked up. I want to cut myself up enough to bleed all over my bed! I want to starve myself! I am tired of being overweight! So... my solution is to become anorexic. Is that logical? I think I am losing my mind. I have never been this fucked up in the head before. I have never actually considered doing this kind of stuff to myself. I have never had any interest in doing this kind of stuff to myself.
But now I do.
I do not believe I will be able to do it though. I have no will power. This is another thing that makes me want to do it. I am sick of being a slave to food. I am sick of seeing a box of donuts and not be able to resist eating the whole fucking thing. I want control over myself. Yet I have no problem letting this cutting habit take over my life. That makes no sense.
We had graduation rehersal this morning. Three long boring hours going over what is so fucking obvious. But I do understand why they go over it with us. Some of us arent too bright.
Mom said something when I got home about how I havent been working. She said it with just a smidgen too much critisism in her voice. So what did I do when I hung up? Cut. Of course. I am getting a nice series of cuts going on my stomach. And the cuts on my legs are disapearing. I have mixed feelings about this. I want them to fade because when the pools open up, and my mom makes me go swimming with my family, no one will see. On the other hand, there is a reason people like me like their scars - they are reminders. When they are completely gone, it will be as if it never happened.
So. |
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| what is the fucking point? |
[May. 16th, 2005|10:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
am I the only person on the planet that sees no fucking point to consuming alcohol? I have yet to meet one person that I liked when they were drinking. I have yet to have one decent experience with alcohol. yet... that doesnt matter to the people i care most about.
I hate seeing my mom drink. I hate how she acts, I hate the things she says... I hate her when she drinks. Yet she sees no problem with it. I have not been around Jeff when he drinks and I never plan to. I told him (and my mom) what my opinion is on the subject:
I dont like it when people I care about drink. They do stupid things and hurt people who care about them. They are hurting themselves when they drink and when they lose their senses and get drunk, they hurt everyone around them too. It turns gentlemen into assholes and admirable women into stumbling idiots. I hate the stuff. If it were up to me, alcohol would be illegal again. Not to mention it stinks like hell.
So they know my opinion. Neither agree but at least Mom respects my beliefs and doesnt drink around me. She doesnt drink at all anymore actually. Jeff, on the other hand, neither agrees nor respects my opinion. He used to. He promised me once he would never drink again because it wasnt that great anyway, and if it made me happy that he didnt drink, then so be it. But not anymore. He drank when he went to Pheonix with his family.
Gonna go try and cry. I want to go through one upset without cutting. but i doubt it will happen. |
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