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[Jun. 10th, 2005|10:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  worried | ] |
Mom and Jim keep fighting... they start fights with each other over the stupidest things and they go on and on and soon, the thing they started arguing about is forgotten and they are arguing about something completely different. They make things personal and then it spreads throughout the house. My mom will come talk to us about how irritating Jim is and Jim will come talk to me about how critical Mom is. I see Jim repeating Jacob's behavior and I see Mom repeating my behavior. Things ended very badly for me and Jacob, and had been going badly before that. It worries me when they fight because its another risky time where he comes closer to being booted out of the family again. I love Jim as the dad I never had. I dont want to lose him again and I dont want to go through the arguments its going to cause between me and my sisters and my mom when they get back together. I just want them to get married and be happy. I am tired of fighting!! I am so tired of it that every time an argument starts up in this house and I am not in the mood to take advantage of the time I can nitpick my sister, I just get this anxious feeling and I suddenly want to go upstairs and get out my blades. I did not cut yesterday but I am about to go and give my anxious self a break. Its partly my fault they are arguing anyway. If I would just quit cutting or quit getting scared and telling her that I am still cutting, then they wouldnt be so on edge. So, as improper logic dictates, because I am the cutting cause of their fighting, I must punish myself for causing them to fight today by cutting myself.
Getting into that floaty mood from the Ambien, need to go to bed soon. After I do something real quick... |
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