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[Jul. 7th, 2005|05:16 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | BBC News in the background | ] |
I can't sleep. Well, I could, but I woke up. It was too cold in here and it was time for the Ambien to wear off anyway. Apparently that's not just a me thing, apparently it really is a good sleeping pill, but its problem is that it doesn't last longer than maybe six hours at the most. So I woke up about an hour and a half ago. I can't get back to sleep.
And my stomach hurts. It feels like I'm hungry, but thinking about eating something repulses me at the moment.
I can't stop thinking about my past. I keep thinking about Jacob, that ass, and Jeff. A few nights ago I had a dream about Jeff and I almost woke up crying. And its not a new thing for me to dream about Jacob coming back, but most dreams nowadays end with me telling him to fuck off. I found myself wondering yesterday though, how he was. I wondered if he was ok, if he had to have his last testical removed, if the cancer spread, or even if he was still alive. I don't know why I was wondering this. I have absolutely no interest in him. Relationship or even friend, I want nothing to do with him. Then why do I care if he is live and well? I don't know. Three years of caring for someone, being there for them, being the only one loyal to them, even when they are gone and there are no more feelings there, I guess you still care. Or get curious. Or something. I dont know.
Jacob was so easy to get over. Well, not easy, but it was easier than it could have been because I knew that that last time we broke up would be it. I knew it was better that we were apart. Not for him, but for me.
But what do you do when that's not the case? What do you do when you dont neccissarily believe you are better off without them? How do you get over that?
~~
News from London - six Underground stations have been hit with explosions. Some double decker buses have also been hit. Lots of casualties, lots of injuries. The entire Tube has been shut down... They say it is clearly a terrorist attack. At first the ticker at the bottom said there was no warning, then it said there was, so I'm not sure about that part.
Seriously depressed and worried now. John said thank god he didn't have to go into London today and that got me thinking. If had gone, he would have had to use the Underground... what if something had happened to him? I wouldn't know. It was him who told me about it and made me turn on the TV to see the news. If he hadnt been here I wouldnt know about this. I wouldnt know anything bad had happened. He just wouldnt have come online and I would have made up my mind that he just left like everyone else. I wouldnt know... probably for a few days when I would happen to watch a re-run of the Daily Show... That scares me. I love him and that seriously scares me. God I am sick of being threated with being unable to hold someone I love before I even meet them in person. Yeah yeah its only happened twice, but I'm already sick of it. |
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[Jul. 7th, 2005|03:57 pm] |
I went to the gym today - go me!
Also took a shower, made a CD, currently doing laundry and about to go do a little cleaning up of the room. Yay for productiveness! |
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[Jul. 7th, 2005|09:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  horny | ] |
Had a great evening with John. Talked and played games over yahoo. I had a lot of fun. And he is so cute!! (and sexy *giggle*) Just wish he was here. Feeling kinda lonely right now, but its not the kind of loneliness that could be solved by him coming back online. He'd have to be here. Ok, so the loneliness is coupled with horniness. But I miss cuddling. Its been over a year since I cuddled with anyone, much less a boyfriend.
Bored. Hungry. Horny. Lonely. But otherwise content. |
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