| Me and my serious abandonment issues |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|10:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  fearful | ] |
I could just cry right now. Woke up a few minutes ago. Had a really sad and scary (not like horror scary, but scary for me) dream.
I was living in the townhouse I live in now, which is kind of wierd, because most of my dreams take place in my old apartment (don't know why, my head is just weird). I was going out with John, but it wasnt John. It was one of those dreams where one person is actually multiple people. It was Jacob, Jeff and John all mixed into one, but mostly it was Jacob and John (which is another wierd thing because I am soooo over Jacob). Anyway, he was leaving me. Parts of the dream he was leaving me for another girl, parts he was just leaving. I felt such a strong attachment to him, so much love and so much desperation because I was being left alone again. I kept saying "You promised! You promised!" Which they all did. Jacob, Jeff and John all promised never to leave me. Jacob did, Jeff did, John hasn't... yet. Jacob's body was in my room but I kept remembering things Jeff and John told me. He said he didn't want me anymore, in the words Jeff used but with the hostility Jacob had when he left. Suddenly he was gone and I somehow knew he was back home (which was strangely down the street). So I jumped out my window (don't know why) and started running to his house. While I ran I was thinking about John and how much I didn't want him to leave. Even though he wasn't there, I kept saying "You promised!" Then I ran up to this house, more like a big mansion and John was in the yard. I was begging silently with my heart for him not to leave me alone and I kept thinking "You promised!" And I woke up.
Took me a few minutes to write this and in that time Natalie and Sam have come into my room to hang out a bit, so I'm not ready to cry anymore. Still a little sad though. Sad cuz I remember the hurt when Jacob left (even though he was an ass) and the wound is still fresh from Jeff. Also sad cuz I don't want John to leave. Was hoping to get to talk to John before I go to the Y, just to tell him I love him and have him say it back, but it looks like I will just have to wait till I get back. Hopefully a good workout will help me shake this anxiety. |
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[Jul. 11th, 2005|02:55 pm] |
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It looks like its going to storm outside. Dark clouds, trees swaying, and the air just has that feel to it. That tension that only a downpour of rain and a few rolls of thunder can release. I can't wait, I love storms. |
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| more dreaming and more being alone |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|11:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
Took a nap earlier and had another dream. I had left the television on and they must have been doing a report on the London bombings, because in the background of the dream I could hear a news person narrating the dream. Anyway, instead of bombing the Underground stations, the terrorists hit the trains. Trains all over London were being bombed. I was standing on the beach, just across from the Tower of London, looking at the London bridge. A train was coming across the bridge - I know the London bridge is a bridge for cars, but in the dream it was a train bridge - and I just somehow knew John was on that train. An explosion blew up the center of the bridge and the train just flew into the air and fell into the river. And I watched from the side of the river as John died in the wreck.
Really hoping these dreams arent premonitions. I would like one guy to keep his promise and not leave me. I would like to keep this guy.
Oh! And earlier, at the gym, I saw Abby! I was so excited! She was sitting on her lifeguard stand when I went in and when her shift ended she came up to the gym and talked to me for a while. She cut her hair and its so short! And she dyed it, so its not the beautiful dark it was before, now its like blondish. Ellie is almost crawling! Bruno is dying, and Mommy White almost died from a bee sting. Also, Kacey is sueing for legal custody of Ellie. He was my buddy and all, but dude is pissin me off. So Abby might charge him with rape (at least statutory) cuz if he is in jail, she wont have to deal with his shit. Which I agree with.
Other than that, and John going to bed early - which he has been doing more often - the night has been pretty uneventful. I am lonely. Tired of being alone. I don't mean the kind of lonely that will go away if I spend some time with Mom and my sisters or even with Abby (she's not interesting in me like that, I know no means no, so I stopped bothering with that). I want John to be here. Or better yet I want to be there. There we would have the house to ourselves hehe... but I'm not really horny, just lonely.
And John is moving in with his friends, closer to central London so if I moved there, I would be relatively close to whatever school I would go to. No plans are made yet concerning me, but the more we talk about it the more I kinda get a little scared. Not that I wouldn't love to go back to London, but the thought of moving so far from my family kinda saddens me. I don't know, right now I am torn on the issue. But it doenst hurt to look at schools and talk about it.
Gonna go relax now... John is going to his friends tomorrow to arrange for moving, so I won't get to talk to him unless he comes on when he gets home. So I am going to spend a lot of time at the gym. |
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