| Update... |
[Feb. 12th, 2006|06:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Thursday: I called in. Played Colossus. Was depressed. Cut.
Friday: Pretty much the same. But I'm kinda playing TSO again. I'm not sure why. I dont socialize there like I used to, its not really fun anymore, its just kinda there. I just have it running, my sim skilling, while I do other stuff. I'm thinking of trying SWG. Its five dollars more a month, but I dont know. I tried to do it on my laptop, but I lack graphics on that. I dont know if it would work on this computer, but I am hesitant to even try it cuz it could overload my computer. I have plenty of room, but it just messes things up, you know?
Saturday: Cleaned my room. Did some homework, but not much. Went out to dinner with my Grandpa for Nat's birthday. We went to Olive Garden and oh the breadsticks are heavenly. I ate way too much. There were many quiet moments cuz we all miss Grandma. Came home, played more Colossus. I'm almost done with it - only two more Colossi to go and I beat the game. Was depressed, cut some more, but in a different place that can be covered with a bathing suit... I'm thinking ahead.
Jeff came online. I dont know if its him back, having taken care of his law problems, or his brother. But he is back online today. Makes me curious. But not too much. No IMing between us will be initiated by me. And there is no rectifying a relationship, really. Too much shit there, I think.
Today: Am depressed. I'm suppose to start work tomorrow, and if I dont go in, I sacrafice the job. I honestly dont know if I am going to go. I honestly dont know if I care. Everyone is proud that I have a job and I dont want to let them down, but its so hard to get myself to care when I feel like this. I have considered going back to the hospital, but I am still scared of that place. And I dont think I'm ready for it. Cuz I really dont want to stop cutting, and I really dont want to stop losing weight.
I called All Star, and asked how I would go about becoming a tattoo artist. Whoever it was I talked to wasnt very helpfull. As far as I got with him, they arent looking to apprentice anyone.
I really am depressed. And I have that terrified feeling right now. Scared to go out of my house to do anything. God I hate this. Having really bad thoughts. No doubt I will cut again tonight. I wish I could talk to Mom, or anyone really. I wish I would stop feeling this way. I miss being ok with everything. I dont want to disappoint anyone, but I know I will eventually, so its like why try? And I am so scared anyway. And I just want to die. I feel like I am backed into a corner, and I cant do anything, and I'm scared to do anything, and I just dont know what to do! |
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