| Stop Bickering, Damnit!! |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|03:35 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  unnerved | ] |
I'm a little disoriented right now. I'm tired, and my sinuses have my whole upper body in a vice grip, I feel like I am going to puke, but my chest feels like someone shoved a huge chunk of ice in there and it wont melt. Instead its making me fucking cold on the inside, decent on the outside, hot on the outoutside. My gut it just ice and that hurts.
So I took a couple of pills, but I still dont feel much better. I had actually started to feel better, and I had actually gone to sleep at like 11:30, but I woke up an hour later, feeling like so much shit. I took an ambien, not helping much, so I went downstairs to get more water or something and found a goodie along the way. Anyway, came back upstairs, sat down in my bathroom and proceeded to cut.
I didnt really make any new cuts, just lengthened and deepened three of the bigger ones. They kept fighting though about this and that. I couldnt really hear what they were saying but I knew they were bickering. I tried to snoop but I zoned out. Then it's not just the cuts. Its the razor I was using. It says things like 'Fuck you, i'll go where i want.' Cuz the other cut didnt want to be lengthened. She thought she was long enough. But he did it anyway. Then some guy was trying to talk to me in my head, I mean I think he was trying to talk to me, and I think he was talking... he was in or around my right forehead. I was ignoring him because of the bickering between the cuts and the razor but I just thought... I know it was a man's voice... but it was mumbled and all.... I dont know.
But I'm sitting in front of the fan right now, and I am calming down, bandage on my wrist, and I think this - If the therapist asks me tomorrow... or later today really... if I ever hear voices, what do I say? Yes, but not outside me. You know what I mean? Do I say no? How do you know when the voices you hear are normal or psychotic? I mean I wasnt even technically hearing voices anyway. I was thinking them or something... they were coming from inside my head, no from an outside source, and my mouth is pursed shut when I cut. But there were voices. Mummbling, distorted, but I got the message. When I normally think in my head its in one voice. And it can change its tone and all to be another voice but I control that, you know? These just came out of nowhere. God its so hard to explain.
"Even in the wizarding world, hearing voices isn't a good sign."
~Hermione |
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| I cut and rip, I cry and snip |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|05:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disturbed | ] |
I got my hair cut! :D Its sooo short and layered - I can't get good lighting in here so no picture. It looks like Ashlee Simpson's hair. When she dyed it black and cut it short in layers. I love it :)
Denny's was love. French toast at noon!! I had told her I wanted a book, she asked what book, I told her a Wiccan book. So we got into a little conversation about religion. Anyway I'm getting the book off eBay cuz its cheaper. Then we went shopping at KMart cuz we needed a bunch of stuff. I got some shorts, a sports bra that fits, and I looked at lots of candles.
Nothing deep came up at the therapist. She talked a little, I talked a little. I didnt reveal too much, but as always I feel like I said too much. I tripped and almost fell, then tripped and fell to my knees when leaving the room, cuz my foot fell asleep from sitting so long in the position I had. I hate it when that happens.
And I still feel bad. My chest still hurts. I still feel like I have an ice block in my chest. Mom suggested acid reflux. I've been chewing Tums every now and then, so hopefully that helps.
The cuts on my wrist are still so delicate...... |
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[Apr. 3rd, 2006|08:54 pm] |
Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine.
Little one, when you play
Don't you mind what they say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine.
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for the right to hold you.
From your head down to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Sweet as can be, baby of mine.
I forgot I had added it to my playlist. When I was little, my mom used to hold me in her arms, rock me in her lap and sing this to me. I can't listen to this song without crying, balling... and remembering... and regretting all the pain I have put her through, worrying about me. God she loves me so much, and she's truly the best mom anyone could dream of. I love her so much. And I have hurt her so much and disappointed her so much but she doesnt care, she still loves me. I am such a fucking loser. She doesnt deserve such a bad daughter. I don't understand - she is the best mom and she was great raising me, so why the hell do I live like this? And why do I drag her along for the ride? |
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