| I thought you said forever over and over, a sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion |
[May. 1st, 2008|01:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Anberlin - Paperthin Hymn | ] |
I love this song.
I go back to Grandmas in two hours. I dont want to. I dont want to go back to the smoke and the humorless teasing and temper of Bob (the stupid jokes about my ED and weight that do nothing but fuel bad coping mechanisms) and the insatiable nosiness of Grandma and the lack of job (and it would seem ability to get one) and the insomnia and cramped living conditions and the endless news on television and all the bitching about the world that ensues because of that unending news and the lack of computer and the fact that I'm so far away from being with my babies. I dont want to go back to any of it. I love my grandma and Bob is alright sometimes but I just hate it there.
I had hopes of moving somewhere better. A place that was, in my opinion at least, a much better situation. But thats not happening anymore because he thinks its "more logical to stay where I am because of financial shit". Which honestly makes no sense to me because if I actually had a job Grandma and Bob would want me to contribute just as much. Which also doesnt make any sense to me because I never eat any of their food because of all the bitching it causes. But whatever.
I am so sick of being me is sickening. I suck as a person for so many reasons and no one wants me around (not surprising though). I make nothing but stupid decisions that just further my bad situation and I regret so much.
Now I dont know what to do. I guess I redouble my efforts to get a job at Grandma's? Suck it up and live the hell for now? I guess I have to. |
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