| I fucking hate it. |
[May. 13th, 2008|01:36 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crying | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Linkin Park - Forgotten | ] |
Ryan and I went out for the evening - we went to Applebees for dinner and I had a yummy oriental chicken salad and Ryan had yummy looking steak. Our waitor was horrible, he didnt check on us and then he rang up our orders wrong. So I'm going to be watching my account over the next few days to make sure he didnt fuck up that as well. We left him NO tip haha. I felt kinda bad, but the dude gave us shit service.
After dinner we went to see 'Iron Man' and it was really good. One of the better Marvel movies, imo.
The night would have been a great ending to a decent day, but I could barely enjoy the movie because I was so preoccupied with being pissed. See, Ryan decided to restrict my popcorn allottment. He took away the bag and set it on his other side once he thought I'd had enough. Then he wanted to cuddle after squishing my goddamn belly fat! I pulled away. It just frustrates me so damn much that nobody fucking understands. And no one CAN understand unless they themselves have an eating disorder. Its not about the fucking food. (And after seeing me upset, he tried offering me the popcorn again... nice gesture but no thanks.) Its about control. Controlling what and how much I put in (or force out of) my mouth is one of the few factors in my life that I have control over. Its part of the reason eating disorders are so hard to recover from - that sense of control and freedom at the same time, its fantastic. And this is one of the reasons I wish I had never fucking told anyone in the first place that I had an issue - because for almost the past year almost everyone I know thinks that they know best and tries to take charge of my food intake. I am so fucking sick of hearing "You need to eat, Stephaney," and "You shouldnt eat that, Stephaney," and "Thats enough, Stephaney!" I am so fucking sick of it. Let me fucking be!! Because no one understands! No one fucking gets it and no one cares enough to try and get it. Everyone just concentrates on "what I'm doing to my body" and everything else be damned. Oh well if I want to punch everyone when they continually monitor me eating, they dont care. They dont get it. And the groping of my fat doesnt help the situation at-fucking-all. I want to crawl into a fucking hole to hide my grotesque blob of a self every time anyone touches me like that. I'm already ashamed of myself enough as it... I just want my old self back - the Stephaney that chose the control of deprivation rather than indulgence, the Stephaney that had confidence because she had a decent looking thin body that she didnt need to be ashamed of. I want to be her again so badly it hurts and brings tears to my eyes. |
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| I wish things were different. |
[May. 13th, 2008|03:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I spent most of the day arguing with Ryan over IM about my eating disorder. It was the same argument I've had over and over with everyone who cares about me and who thinks they know exactly how to cure me. Then I got a lecture from my mom about the same stuff. I've spent all my tax returns and I'm down to $20 in the bank. I dont get paid until next Friday and I have a lot of expenses coming up. I just cried most of the day. I just fucking hate myself so damn much for so many reasons. |
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| *burp* |
[May. 13th, 2008|10:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  productive | ] |
I just belched up a pretty decent plot bunny. :D |
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