Crack Open My Soul

Tomorrow's To Do

2008-05-19T04:57:44Z

Clean the house.
Laundry
Watch Gundam Wing Disc 2... maybe Disc 3 too if I have time
Read some fanfiction
Write

New haircut :D

2008-05-19T03:35:11Z

I had to wake up at 6:30 this morning XD Worked from 8am to 4pm. Had some fucking crazy dogs today. After work I was waiting outside for mom to pick me up and Ryan swang by to pick me up lol. It was a nice gesture. Made me smile. Then mom came and got me and I thought we were going to her house but instead we came here. And she cut my hair :D She cut it once then I complained it was still too long - cuz my hair is so thin it just doesnt look right when its long... looks too stringy. So she cut it again, in a different style. Its more of a pixie cut now and its BITCHIN. Its got attitude :)~ I absolutely love it. Its going to take like two minutes to do now. I love it.

After she left Ryan watched At World's End while I went upstairs and learned that notebook + pen + radio = plot bunnies. Well, an elaboration on one and one inspired by a song. Progess :)

The Real Me @ Voodoo

2008-05-18T05:31:40Z

Today was especially busy at work because its Saturday and everyone gets their dogs groomed on Saturdays because thats when they're off work and its more convenient to trop off Poochie while they run errands. So I had long, but good day. Ryan picked me up from work and asked if I wanted to go out, I said sure. Even though I was really tired and my eyes were super dry from getting dog hair in them and all I really wanted to do was get on the computer and force out a plot bunny. But I agreed to go, cuz what the hell.

So we went to club Voodoo at Herrah's because a band he likes, called 'The Real Me' was playing. It. was. fucking. awesome. The club itself I had never been too, though I had been to Herrahs for... ahem.... work and stuff. It was really nice with a big stage over the bar and tvs everywhere and lots of seizure-enducing lights. Plus music so damn loud you could feel your bones vibrating. We had dinner and then watched as the band came on and everyone slowly started moving onto the dance floor. I wanted to join them but I was with Ryan and I wasnt in the mood to dance in front of him. He's still not in my good graces enough yet to have me shake my ass for him.

The Real Me was actually pretty good - they played a lot of good music from Maroon 5, Papa Roach, Queen and all sorts of shit. And they were really good too. One of the guitarists was fucking hot, to boot, and the more he played the sexier he got, of course. Cuz few things are hotter than a musician. Thats just fact. He had a sexy ass body and nice dark hair and I saw tattoos peaking from under his tshirt hehe. Niceness. I was totally caught up in him until the dancers arrived.

They had dancers on little stages on either side of the club. And um... damn. Yeah. I was mesmerized. Fucking perfect. And I mean PERFECT. Thin, very little body fat, perfect breasts, great asses, nice legs... PERFECT. I loved them for two reasons. 1. They were the sexeh. And they had me staring like a pedophile at a playground. 2. The best thinspiration I've seen in a long time. Pictures online or in magazines are on thing, but to have the epitome of perfect dancing right there in front of you is a whole nother story. It got me going.

We stayed through the second set and checked the time and it was almost midnight so I said we should leave - I have to wake up at 6:30 to be at work by 8 tomorrow. Err, today.

Anyway, verrrrrrrrry good night. Pleasant dreams will be had.

Schedule

2008-05-17T02:37:39Z

5/20 9-5
5/23 11-7
5/24 10-6
5/25 8-4
5/27 4-9
5/28 11-7
5/30 4-9
5/31 1-9
6/1 10-6
6/2 4-9
6/3 9-2
6/5 9-2
6/7 9-5

sissani @ 2008-05-15T21:19:00

2008-05-16T02:27:39Z

Writers block is teh EVIL. I need plot bunnies, mine wont breed. Anyone have any spares? lol

Blah. This is going nowhere.

I think I'm going to give it a rest for the evening and go do some reading.

Workin at it...

2008-05-15T19:58:08Z

Last night I was up pretty late researching the monomyth and its elements. Its good stuff. I <3 Joseph Campbell. I think I'm going to follow the structure of it for my next fic. Probably will be the one I send in to the contest. So I'm currently trying to widdle out a detailed plot bunny that follows it.

And just now I made $50. ^.^ Sold my PS2 and the few games I had. I wasnt even going to attempt to hook it up to Ryan's TV (even though Shadow of the Colossus would have looked pretty bitchin on the huge screen), and since it wasnt going to be used and I need a bit of money until my first paycheck, I decided I might as well sell it. I can always get another one if I want to, once I'm out on my own again.

The day's been pretty lazy so far. I cleaned the house, hard-boiled some eggs, made some moneys and am watching Gundam Wing. :D

sissani @ 2008-05-15T00:59:00

2008-05-15T05:19:56Z

I'm going to try.
Whether he decides to stop being an ass or not.
Whether he belives I want a better life or not.

Tomorrow I start over.

I miss my babies.

2008-05-15T01:03:13Z

I had my first day actually working today. Groomed a decent variety of dogs, including a beagle mix puppy which had me aching with missing Tickey. All the girls (the other groomers) are really nice and fun to be around and in eight hours, only the last twenty minutes, when I was done with all my dogs, were boring. The rest of the day I was in heaven. I was back in my element, working with animals. I loved it. And it was nice - half the day I wasnt even doing anything because I was just waiting for dogs to come in. I was just sitting on my grooming table, talking with the other girls, most of whom were also just sitting waiting for dogs. It was nice, but wierd - both Kennelwood and Petropolis were always super busy with dogs. Its a wierd change. But I'm not complaining.

I've been edgy for the past couple of days, depressed and stuff. I just cant stop thinking "No wonder people give up on you" and I want to cry.

And then there's the money problem, and the eating problem, and the sudden upsurge of cutting urges I've been having since I accidently cut my pinky, and the missing Kitty, Louie and Tickey, and the feeling so damn lonely, and the losing my piercings, and the not being able to afford my prescriptions, and the wanting my old life back... and the hoping this new one turns out ok.

burp

2008-05-14T03:07:33Z

I just belched up a pretty decent plot bunny. :D

I wish things were different.

2008-05-13T20:46:19Z

I spent most of the day arguing with Ryan over IM about my eating disorder. It was the same argument I've had over and over with everyone who cares about me and who thinks they know exactly how to cure me. Then I got a lecture from my mom about the same stuff. I've spent all my tax returns and I'm down to $20 in the bank. I dont get paid until next Friday and I have a lot of expenses coming up. I just cried most of the day. I just fucking hate myself so damn much for so many reasons.

I fucking hate it.

2008-05-13T07:03:53Z

Ryan and I went out for the evening - we went to Applebees for dinner and I had a yummy oriental chicken salad and Ryan had yummy looking steak. Our waitor was horrible, he didnt check on us and then he rang up our orders wrong. So I'm going to be watching my account over the next few days to make sure he didnt fuck up that as well. We left him NO tip haha. I felt kinda bad, but the dude gave us shit service.

After dinner we went to see 'Iron Man' and it was really good. One of the better Marvel movies, imo.

The night would have been a great ending to a decent day, but I could barely enjoy the movie because I was so preoccupied with being pissed. See, Ryan decided to restrict my popcorn allottment. He took away the bag and set it on his other side once he thought I'd had enough. Then he wanted to cuddle after squishing my goddamn belly fat! I pulled away. It just frustrates me so damn much that nobody fucking understands. And no one CAN understand unless they themselves have an eating disorder. Its not about the fucking food. (And after seeing me upset, he tried offering me the popcorn again... nice gesture but no thanks.) Its about control. Controlling what and how much I put in (or force out of) my mouth is one of the few factors in my life that I have control over. Its part of the reason eating disorders are so hard to recover from - that sense of control and freedom at the same time, its fantastic. And this is one of the reasons I wish I had never fucking told anyone in the first place that I had an issue - because for almost the past year almost everyone I know thinks that they know best and tries to take charge of my food intake. I am so fucking sick of hearing "You need to eat, Stephaney," and "You shouldnt eat that, Stephaney," and "Thats enough, Stephaney!" I am so fucking sick of it. Let me fucking be!! Because no one understands! No one fucking gets it and no one cares enough to try and get it. Everyone just concentrates on "what I'm doing to my body" and everything else be damned. Oh well if I want to punch everyone when they continually monitor me eating, they dont care. They dont get it. And the groping of my fat doesnt help the situation at-fucking-all. I want to crawl into a fucking hole to hide my grotesque blob of a self every time anyone touches me like that. I'm already ashamed of myself enough as it... I just want my old self back - the Stephaney that chose the control of deprivation rather than indulgence, the Stephaney that had confidence because she had a decent looking thin body that she didnt need to be ashamed of. I want to be her again so badly it hurts and brings tears to my eyes.

Fuck

2008-05-12T21:49:52Z

I forgot to put my piercings back in after work - I put them in my pocket - and I put my pants in the washer.
Now I think I've lost them. Shit.

My first day at work! ^.^

2008-05-12T21:33:58Z

I went in at nine (after pushing the snooze button twice hehe) and sat through a lot of paperwork and several movies. I had to read their safety manual (50something pages) and do a workbook (120something pages) that went with one of the videos. It was extra boring because I already knew the vast majority of the information from when I worked at Kennelwood. Then I had to take a safety test and I passed :) I got my uniform - well the shirt at least, I have to get my old grooming pants from Petropolis (I left them there) and I probably have to buy black tennis shoes.

After that I went to Deals and bought a candy bar because I needed to get cash back - I was out of cash for the bus. I tossed the change into my purse and when I got on the bus I reached in to get the money and sliced my finger on a razor I forgot I had in one of the pockets. I hate when that happens. One of those wierd things that I can repeated push a razor to my skin and not only not feel pain, but feel pleasure, and yet one little nick on my pinky and its "Owie owie owie!!" lol

Anyway, I went to Walmart after that and found out that apparently the four-dollar-prescription deal they have doesnt apply to what I need for some reason and it would cost me about $30 to refill my Zoloft. Which is good for not having insurance, but still more than I can afford right now. So I'm going to have to go without until I get some cash flowing.

I'm going to call Mom later and see if she can take me to Petropolis tomorrow after she gets off work, so I can get those pants. And then maybe to Marshals or somewhere so I can get shoes.

So anyway I had a decent day.

I feel...

2008-05-11T01:17:45Z

lonely
fat
ugly
repulsive
like a failure
fat
tired
frustrated
fat
depressed
mournful
fat
fat
fat.

sissani @ 2008-05-10T16:25:00

2008-05-10T21:39:41Z

Ryan and I went to his parent's house last night because they're out of town and Ryan had to check up on thier cat. So we stayed the night so the cat wouldnt freak out. We went to the corner store and got hot dogs and bar-b-q-ed them and watched 'One Missed Call'. It was surprisingly good but the ending confused us, so it kinda ruined it.

This morning we drove home and hung out a little while before going to Grandma's to get my stuff - we were in and out in less than half an hour. We stopped at Arby's on the way back and now I'm watching Animal Planet and doing laundry - every fabric item I have smells heavily like smoke so I'm washing it all.

sissani @ 2008-05-08T23:04:00

2008-05-09T04:06:35Z

We went to Dave & Busters for dinner, went to Blockbuster but didnt find anything,
then came home and I gave him a massage. Sweet evening. :)

I have a robot vagina!!

2008-05-08T20:54:40Z

Mom woke me up at 7:30 this morning so I could shower and help her move things for the carpet people to come (she's getting her carpet replaced today).
We had to turn the thermostat down to 65 so it was cooooold and I cuddled up in a blanket with Romeo after we were done. :)
My sister finally woke up and came downstairs and after a bit the carpet guys came.
She was going to leave to go to Bread Co. but she changed her mind and decided to hang out.
So she, Mom, Kirk (mom's boyfriend's son, basically my step-brother) and I hung out for a little while watching TV.
We all wanted a cigarette and a soda so Mom and I went to Walgreens and got stuff.
We got soda for them and I got Arizona Green Tea :) Then Mom brought out her candy stash and we ate jelly beans and Dove chocolate while Kirk busted out 'Grandma's Boy' and we watched that and smoked a little and drank our drinks.
After the movie was over Mom went and got us Taco Bell for lunch... I had yummy bean buritos :D And we watched the ending of 'Tremors' on TV. Classic.
Then I was getting bored and wanted to go home so Mom took me to Schnucks and Aldi so I could get some groceries since I'm starting a diet/restriction. And I have even more motivation for that now because my sister told me that my family probably wont go to Branson this year like we always do - instead we might be going somewhere along the Gulf of Mexico! :D So I need to get bathing suit ready. Its unnacceptable for me to go to a beach somewhere at this weight.
Anyway, after grocery shopping Mom brought me home and I cleaned :D
Now I watch Dr Phil and nibble cashews! :D

Another task done. Another added to the list.

2008-05-08T04:07:06Z

~~Get a job.~~
~~Pay for Ticket A to be dealt with by April 14th.~~
Research and apply for health care assistance, Medicaid or something.
Reactivate cell phone.
Research bad-credit auto loans. Save for a car.
Deal with Tickets B and C.
Get a car.
Go back to Petropolis. (Maybe.)
Save for an apartment.
Lose 45 lbs.

I had Dairy Queen and watched 'I am Legend'. Yum food, good movie. :) I didnt like the ending so much, but whatever. I expected something more... legendary? lol I dont know. Overall it was good though.

I've got a contest to write for now so hopefully the creative juices will get flowing. And my sister loaned me her copy of The Chronicles of Narnia, so I'm going to read that. And I have to get to moving my stuff from Grandma's and I have a new job... I've gone from nothing to do to having a full schedule. I like it :)

sissani @ 2008-05-07T13:33:00

2008-05-07T18:37:57Z

Mom picked me up this morning and she took me to get my drug test (I had to get one for Petsmart). Then we came back to her house and I looked through some of her old clothes she's throwing out. I got a decent jacket and a nice purse out of it. Then we went to Marshals and TJ Max and I got new tennis shoes :D We're going to hang out and stoof and maybe watch I Am Legend and eat hamburger helper.

And I got my stimulus check :D $300! I'm happy.

Its raining pretty outside :)

From Vincentius49... ANSWER THEM.

2008-05-07T04:37:19Z

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.

2) What was your dream growing up?
A.

3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.

5) Favorite vegetable?
A.

6) What was the last book you read?
A.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A.

9) Worst Habit?
A.

10) If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?
A.

11) What is your favorite sport?
A.

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.

16) Do you have any pets?
A.

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.

18) What was your first impression of me?
A.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.

22) What color eyes do you have?
A.

23) Ever been arrested?
A.

24) Bottle or can soda?
A.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.

30) Do you swear a lot?
A.

31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.

35) Do you believe in God?
A.

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.

Huzzah!!

2008-05-06T21:55:40Z

GUESS WHO GOT A JOOOOOOOBBBBBBB!!!! :D

I'm a new groomer at Petsmart :D

sissani @ 2008-05-05T15:56:00

2008-05-05T20:57:24Z

I have an interview tomorrow at Petsmart!! :D :D :D

sissani @ 2008-05-05T00:09:00

2008-05-05T05:18:19Z

I miss playing Second Life. Roaming Ar in my sexy white silk and doing fancy kajira dances and learning the poses... it was fun. Maybe I'll start playing again when my laptop gets fixed.

sissani @ 2008-05-04T19:36:00

2008-05-05T00:44:44Z

You must watch them in order... They just get funnier. :)~

I didnt do much today. It was a truly lazy Sunday. Ryan's been up in his room working on stuff all day so I've been down here watching movies and messin around on the computer. I went and got myself some White Castle for lunch, more for something to do than anything else (so much for starting ABC today...).

sissani @ 2008-05-03T19:53:00

2008-05-04T00:55:47Z

We ate leftover Papa Johns and watched "Cloverfield". Good movie. Very unique. Ending was a bit.... unsatisfying, but I guess it had limited options considering its premise. Anyway, it was good, I liked it.